Eating Crow

Swallow your pride occasionally, it’s not fattening. Frank Tyger

It’s true it isn’t fattening – Brussel sprouts aren’t either – that doesn’t mean I enjoy eating them.

No one likes being put in their place – that’s for sure…but as I have grown emotionally – maybe the right word is matured (as in a fine wine — or smelly cheese if I stick with the eating analogy), I have learned to appreciate that bitterness can be a flavor that has its place.

When I was younger, I would just get angry and try to be right and justify and make all sorts of excuses – because I could not accept some things. I like truth. I still do. I would act out and be righteous too! I am smart and a good thinker so of course I was right. How dare you NOT see that !!! Come on — I mean COME ON!!! I am intuitive. I see and observe a great deal. I would often see and notice many things that others would not. I formulated, what I now call ‘my theories’ about people and events and how things should be.

I am good at it. Maybe that is why I like to ruminate and write. More theories – yummy.

Turns out that my theories are actually just stories from my point of view and assessed from my version of truth (key word here — MY). What I did not realize in my ‘story making’ was that it was one-sided – my side. And as rich as I can be with my thoughts and emotions – others can be too… usually ARE too. Although as I sit here and type, I would argue that my versions are usually pretty insightful (see my righteous edge is still here)… Sorry I can’t help myself.

However, once in a while – usually in a heated argument – but not always – sometimes it is during a conversation with that wine and smelly cheese I mentioned earlier. I hear something that shifts me. In the argument scenario, it usually hits me.
Something that shifts my truth – in a way that slaps the righteous gremlin inside me. I realize that there is an internal energetic shift when I am faced with a truth I did not see, did not want to see. For me it is more often – that I did not see and my system has to adjust that I am ‘wrong’ or mistaken (OH MY!!!) or I learn to see a situation in an entirely new, unexpected way.

Sometimes the ‘shock’ of it – rewires my system in such a way that it reverberates. I have to stop moving, talking and take it in, let it settle into my body, my mind – my earthly features. There is a stillness that settles over me, in me. So that I can let it seep into me.

So there was a time when eating crow was shameful and very difficult to chew and still face someone else… But the fact that I can experience the jolt and quiet seeping shows me that – I have grown – ahem… matured. (Yeah! – Let’s face it NOT an easy feat).

Actually it is a mixed feeling for me now. My true mature adult self is genuinely appreciative – I love the fact that I was jolted into seeing how someone else saw something. I connected. It does remind me that I am not alone.
However, the child in me or maybe my ego still hates pulling feathers out of my teeth. Pthew Pthew – yuck …yuck.
I still need to honor the inner child, sooooo although I like the ‘mini growth spurt’ I would rather not have it at every meal.

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About Rebecca J.

As I explore what it means to be a writer, I can't help but think of dancing. Dancing with words, dancing with feelings, dancing with truth and the courage to express it. Dancing with the story present in all of us.
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